Harry Stephen Keeler (1890-1967) wrote mystery novels so bad they've been called "coincidence porn." In The Ace of Spades Murder he introduces the guilty character on the third-to-last page; in X. Jones of Scotland Yard he explains on the last page that Napoleon Bonaparte is the culprit.
And his gifts extend beyond plotting. His characters are called Criorcan Mulqueeny and Screamo the Clown and Scientifico Greenlimb and Wolf Gladish and State Attorney Foxhart Cubycheck, and he writes titles like Finger, Finger!, The Yellow Zuri, The Amazing Web, Find the Clock, and The Face of the Man From Saturn.
Even at the level of simple prose, he's entirely helpless. Here's a typical passage from The Case of the 16 Beans:
The door now opened, revealing, as it did so, a strange figure�a half-man, no less, seated on a "rollerskate" cart!�framed against the bit of outer hallway. But no ordinary half-man this, for he was a Chinaman; quite legless, indeed, so far as the presence of even upper leg stumps went; but amply provided with locomotion, of the gliding kind, anyway, in the matter of the unusually generous rubber-tired wheels under the platform cart.
There's even an appreciation society now, which is fortunate, because most of Keeler's numerous works are now out of print. In 1942, the New York Times wrote, "We are drawn to the unescapable conclusion that Mr. Keeler writes his peculiar novels merely to satisfy his own undisciplined urge for creative joy." Amen.
|W|P|111084111133772549|W|P|Harry Stephen Keeler|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comIn 1934, Variety ran a story about rural communities objecting to their portrayal in recent films. It was titled STIX NIX HICK PIX.
On May 31, 2000, the New York Daily News ran a story about Indiana Pacers fans denying courtside seats to New York fans. The headline was HICKS NIX KNICKS TIX.
And the jump head on page 5 read HICKS' KNICKS TIX TRICK.
|W|P|111110347028814798|W|P|Memorable Headlines|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"Drama is life with the dull bits cut out." -- Alfred Hitchcock
|W|P|111057044307632459|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"London is the epitome of our times," wrote Emerson, "and the Rome of to-day." He never saw it from this angle, of course -- by night, from the international space station. To the south are the "London Orbital" bypass, the M25, and below that the lights of Gatwick airport. Heathrow is just inside the M25 to the west. The Thames fans out to the east, and Hyde Park and Regents Park are two dark spots just west of the city's center.
|W|P|111213823817998320|W|P|London From Space|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe Periodic Table of Dessert confirms what I always suspected: In the kitchen, brandy is uranium.
|W|P|111116737770656347|W|P|The Periodic Table of Dessert|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comSpecies designations for Wile E. Coyote:
Chuck Jones said, "Wile E. is my reality, Bugs Bunny is my goal."
|W|P|111204649198756638|W|P|Wile E. Coyote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comEncounter with a Newfoundland mermaid, recorded by Richard Whitbourne, 1610:
"Now also I will not omit to relate something of a strange Creature that I first saw there in the yeere 1610, in a morning early as I was standing by the water side, in the Harbour of Saint Johns, which I espied verie swiftly to come swimming towards me, looking cheerefully, as it had beene a woman, by the Face, Eyes, Nose, Mouth, Chin, eares, Necke and Forehead: It seemed to be so beautifull, and in those parts so well proportioned, having round about upon the head, all blew strakes, resembling haire, downe to the Necke (but certainly it was haire) for I beheld it long, and another of my companie also, yet living, that was not then farre from me; and seeing the same comming so swiftly towards mee, I stepped backe, for it was come within the length of a long Pike.
"Which when this strange Creature saw that I went from it, it presently thereupon dived a little under water, and did swim to the place where before I landed; whereby I beheld the shoulders and backe downe to the middle, to be as square, white and smooth as the backe of a man, and from the middle to the hinder part, pointing in proportion like a broad hooked Arrow; how it was proportioned in the forepart from the necke and shoulders, I know not; but the same came shortly after unto a Boat, wherein one William Hawkridge, then my servant, was, that hath bin since a Captaine in a Ship to the East Indies, and is lately there imploied againe by Sir Thomas Smith, in the like Voyage; and the same Creature did put both his hands upon the side of the Boate, and did strive to come in to him and others then in the said Boate; whereat they were afraid; and one of them strooke it a full blow on the head; whereat it fell off from them: and afterwards it came to two other Boates in the Harbour; the men in them, for feare fled to land: This (I suppose) was a Mermaide."
|W|P|111187158486047220|W|P|Mermaid|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comNotable people who have had a fear of flying:
The French for walkie-talkie is talkie-walkie.
|W|P|111110348724061233|W|P|Walkie-Talkie|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comAccount of the death of a chimney sweep's boy, taken in evidence before the Parliamentary Committee on Climbing Boys, 1817:
"On Monday morning, 29 March 1813, a chimney sweeper of the name of Griggs attended to sweep a small chimney in the brewhouse of Messrs Calvert and Co. in Upper Thames Street; he was accompanied by one of his boys, a lad of about eight years of age, of the name of Thomas Pitt.
"The fire had been lighted as early as 2 o'clock the same morning, and was burning on the arrival of Griggs and his little boy at eight. The fireplace was small, and an iron pipe projected from the grate some little way into the flue. This the master was acquainted with (having swept the chimneys in the brewhouse for some years), and therefore had a tile or two broken from the roof, in order that the boy might descend the chimney. He had no sooner extinguished the fire than he suffered the lad to go down; and the consequence, as might be expected, was his almost immediate death, in a state, no doubt, of inexpressible agony.
"The flue was of the narrowest description, and must have retained heat sufficient to have prevented the child's return to the top, even supposing he had not approached the pipe belonging to the grate, which must have been nearly red hot; this however was not clearly ascertained on the inquest, though the appearance of the body would induce an opinion that he had been unavoidably pressed against the pipe.
"Soon after his descent, the master, who remained on the top, was apprehensive that something had happened, and therefore desired him to come up; the answer of the boy was, 'I cannot come up, master, I must die here.' An alarm was given in the brewhouse immediately that he had stuck in the chimney, and a bricklayer who was at work near the spot attended, and after knocking down part of the brickwork of the chimney, just above the fireplace, made a hole sufficiently large to draw him through. A surgeon attended, but all attempts to restore life were ineffectual.
"On inspecting the body, various burns appeared; the fleshy part of the legs and a great part of the feet more particularly were injured; those parts too by which climbing boys most effectually ascend or descend chimneys, viz. the elbows and knees, seemed burnt to the bone; from which it must be evident that the unhappy sufferer made some attempts to return as soon as the horrors of his situation became apparent."
|W|P|111187075214146728|W|P|Death of a Climbing Boy|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"All great men are monsters." -- Honor� de Balzac
|W|P|111162261791577737|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe smallest number whose name is spelled with:
If you feel kind of standoffish at parties, you might want to avoid Kruibeke for a while.
The mayor of that Belgian municipality, Antoine Denert, has created a Department of Tenderness, insisting that "people don't cuddle anymore, and that's the reason why there are so many conflicts."
That's, um, nice. Denert said he hoped to inspire other governments to reconsider their own policies, which rarely even get to second base. "Why not change the Ministry of Defense into the Ministry of Tenderness?" he asked helpfully. "The war in Iraq would never have started."
In a disturbing show of civic enthusiasm, the mayor vowed to "set an example and start in my own village by caressing, cuddling, and kissing as many people as possible." His wife's opinion is not recorded.
|W|P|111163611261105658|W|P|Kruibeke|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comIn 1211, Emperor Frederick II of Germany raised dozens of children in silence, trying to discover the natural "language of God." He never got an answer: The children never spoke, and all of them ultimately died in childhood.
|W|P|110829894178167543|W|P|There's Your Answer|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThere's obviously a pretty wide range of taste and talent among practicing musicians. Normally they bear one another with a pretty good grace, but when Kenny G released an overdubbed "duet" with Louis Armstrong recently, Pat Metheny finally snapped, calling the saxophonist "one of the few people on earth I can say that I really can't use at all":
He, in one move, through his unbelievably pretentious and calloused musical decision to embark on this most cynical of musical paths, shit all over the graves of all the musicians past and present who have risked their lives by going out there on the road for years and years developing their own music inspired by the standards of grace that Louis Armstrong brought to every single note he played over an amazing lifetime as a musician.
That's strong language, particularly coming from a quiet, reflective guy like Metheny. How would the music community react? The essay spread rapidly across the Internet. There was a notable silence from Kenny, then a pause. And then Richard Thompson recorded a single called "I Agree With Pat Metheny."
|W|P|111166835460644597|W|P|Kenny G|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comWith SegMation, even a third-grader can paint a Renaissance masterpiece. Sort of.
|W|P|111130910059630351|W|P|Mona by Numbers|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind." -- Aristotle
|W|P|111004228704967183|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comSurprisingly old words:
Amazingly, lite beer ("leoht beor") first shows up around the year 1000.
|W|P|111110282585275931|W|P|Words With Early Pedigrees|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe next time you see Star Wars, watch for the scene when a Death Star stormtrooper falls into a chasm before Luke and Leia swing across it. That stormtrooper's scream is more than 50 years old -- and a time-honored in-joke among Hollywood sound designers.
The "Wilhelm scream" was originally recorded for the feature Distant Drums in 1951. From there it went into the studio's sound effects library, where it was rediscovered in 1977 by Star Wars sound editor Ben Burtt. Burtt adopted it as his personal signature, and he enlisted a group of like-minded Hollywood sound-effects people to keep it alive.
You can hear the scream in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Poltergeist, Beauty and the Beast, Reservoir Dogs, Titanic, Spider-Man ... more than 100 features, including this summer's Revenge of the Sith.
It's called the "Wilhelm scream" because that's the name of the original screamer, a man who's dragged underwater by an alligator in Distant Drums. Remember that when Buzz Lightyear is knocked out of the bedroom window in Toy Story -- it's the same sound.
|W|P|111132762968347343|W|P|Wilhelm Scream|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comRegulations posted in the dance halls of Lansing, Mich., circa 1920:
|W|P|111153508792501406|W|P|Rules for Public Dance Halls|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com
- No shadow or spotlight dances allowed.
- Moonlight dances not allowed where a single light is used to illuminate the Hall. Lights may be shaded to give Hall dimmed illuminated effect.
- All unnecessary shoulder or body movement or gratusque dances positively prohibited.
- Pivot reverse and running on the floor prohibited.
- All unnecessary hesitation, rocking from one foot to the other and see-sawing back and forth of the dancers will be prohibited.
- No loud talking, undue familiarity or suggestive remarks unbecoming any lady or gentleman will be tolerated.
Position of Dancers
- Right hand of gentleman must not be placed below the waist nor over the shoulder nor around the lady's neck, nor lady's left arm around gentleman's neck. Lady's right hand and gentleman's left hand clasped and extended at least six inches from the body, and must not be folded and lay across the chest of dancers.
- Heads of dancers must not touch.
Music
No beating of drum to produce Jazz effect will be allowed.
Any and all persons violating any of these rules will be subject to expulsion from the hall, also arrest for disorderly conduct.
By Order of
Chief of Police
The Wacky Patent of the Month for March 2005 is a dust cover for a dog.
And you thought necessity was the mother of invention.
|W|P|111143287768744249|W|P|Wacky Patent of the Month|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comJayson Blair may not have been reaching high enough. The New York Times reporter was disgraced for faking quotes and interviews, but that's kid stuff compared to the Great Moon Hoax of 1835, a series of articles (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) in which the New York Sun announced that life had been discovered on the moon.
"Reprinted" from the defunct Edinburgh Journal of Science, the six articles told of "an immense telescope of an entirely new principle" with which astronomer John Herschel supposedly discovered lunar bison, goats, pelicans, trees, beaches, and even bat-men who built temples of sapphire.
That last detail sent the Sun's circulation to 19,360, the world's highest ... and it stayed high even after Sun reporter Richard Adams Locke admitted that he'd invented the whole thing.
Strangely, most accounts report that the Sun's readers were amused at the joke. The real outrage came from rival newspapers that had reprinted the articles, claiming to be getting them from the original source. Now that's embarrassing.
|W|P|111031876302104139|W|P|The Great Moon Hoax|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"Communism is like one big phone company." -- Lenny Bruce
|W|P|111072259342698204|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comWords most frequently looked up last year on Merriam-Webster's web site:
It's just an ordinary office in Palo Alto, but it's going to need some extra space for plaques. This one building, 165 University Avenue, has served as the incubator for Logitech, Google, PayPal, and Danger Research, makers of the Danger Hiptop handheld device.
That's even more surprising given the building's small size. The first floor is occupied by storefronts, and the upper story is only 5,000 square feet, usually divided among three companies. The tenants are almost stepping on each other: Google left behind a sign with its logo, which Paypal then left in place for the next tenant, Danger.
What accounts for so many huge successes in such a small space? It's probably mostly due to the proximity to Stanford, but don't rule out owner Rahim Amidi, who runs a small company that provides early funding to tech companies. Apparently Amidi has a good eye: Of the 20 companies in which he's invested, two have gone public and only two have failed. "If you know someone who is the next Danger or Google or PayPal," he says, "let me know."
|W|P|111056901148178312|W|P|165 University Avenue|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women (1558) may be the most misogynistic screed ever written:
For who can denie but it is repugneth to nature, that the blind shall be appointed to leade and conduct such as do see? That the weake, the sicke and impotent persons shall norishe and kepe the hole and strong? And finallie, that the foolishe, madde and phrenetike shal governe the discrete and give counsel to such as be sober of mind. And such be al women, compared unto man in bearing of authoritie. For their sight in civile regiment is but blindness; their strength, weaknes; their counsel, foolishnes; and judgment, phrensie, if it be rightlie considered.
That's ironic, because the author's real beef was religious: John Knox opposed female sovereigns like Mary, Queen of Scots, and Mary Tudor because of their Catholicism. When Elizabeth Tudor succeeded Mary, his plan backfired -- she was sympathetic to his cause, but offended at his words. Hell hath no fury.
|W|P|111057341467729621|W|P|The First Blast of the Trumpet|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comFORTY is the only number whose letters appear in alphabetical order.
|W|P|111110751199307211|W|P|Forty|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comOf sweetness, Shakespeare wrote: "A little more than a little is by much too much." Boston learned this the hard way in the Molasses Disaster of 1919, when someone tried to fill a weak tank with 2.3 million gallons of the thick syrup.
"A muffled roar burst suddenly upon the air," wrote the Boston Herald. "Mingled with the roar was the clangor of steel against steel and the clash of rending wood."
The tank collapsed, sending a giant wave of molasses sweeping through the North End. Even in the January cold, the wave would have been 8 to 15 feet high and traveled at 35 mph. It broke the girders of the elevated railway, lifted a train off its tracks, and tore a firehouse from its foundation. Twenty-one people stickily drowned, and 150 were injured. Cleanup took six months; one victim wasn't found for 11 days.
No one knows the cause, but it's been noted that molasses was used in making liquor, and the disaster occurred one day before Prohibition was ratified. It appears the owners were trying to distill molasses into grain alcohol before the market dried up. Write your own pun.
|W|P|111057325766224673|W|P|Boston Molasses Disaster|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comGadsby is a 50,000-word novel that doesn't use the letter E:
"But a man has to think of that, Allan. And you will, as you grow up. My two big sons just put off on that big troop train. I don�t know how long Bill and Julius will stay away. Your big cannon might go Boom! and hit Bill or Julius. Do you know Frank Morgan, Paul Johnson and John Smith? All right; that big cannon might hit that trio, too. Nobody can say who a cannon will hit, Allan. Now, you go right on through Grammar School, and grow up into a big strong man, and don't think about war;" and Gadsby, standing and gazing far off to Branton Hills' charming hill district, thought: "I think that will bust up a wild young ambition!"
The author, Ernest Vincent Wright, notes that he could mention no numbers between 6 and 30. And "When introducing young ladies into the story, this is a real barrier; for what young woman wants to have it known that she is over thirty?"
|W|P|111056904768457282|W|P|The Great Gadsby|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"There is no spectacle more agreeable than watching an old friend fall from a roof." -- Confucius
|W|P|111106225154074517|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThis is the Beast of G�vaudan, a wolf the size of a cow that terrorized southeastern France in the 18th century. All the big press in cryptozoology goes to Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Abominable Snowman, but there's a cast of B players that are a lot more colorful:
My favorite, though, is the New Jersey Vegetable Monster: A single drunken witness claimed to have seen a humanoid resembling a giant stalk of broccoli in the New Jersey Pine Barrens. "Likely attributable to a case of delirium tremens."
|W|P|111078229438445273|W|P|Cryptozoology|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe Nonverbal Dictionary of Gestures, Signs & Body Language Cues shows how to read a person like a book. Tidbits:
Most interesting are the five phases of "love signals" (I, II, III, IV, V), which document exactly how courtship works, from hello to intercourse. Sort of a field guide for alien anthropologists.
|W|P|111031833688182151|W|P|The Nonverbal Dictionary of Gestures|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comJames Joyce claimed that cuspidor is the most beautiful word in the English language.
|W|P|111057308857921026|W|P|Spittoon by Any Other Name|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"Extreme Ironing is an outdoor activity that combines the danger and excitement of an 'extreme' sport with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt."
The sport reportedly started in Phil Shaw's backyard in Leicester, England, but his promotional tour quickly attracted followers in Australia, Austria, and Germany, and the 2002 world championship drew 80 teams from 10 countries. Following the 2004 Summer Olympics, British rowing champion Sir Steve Redgrave backed high-stakes ironing to become an Olympic sport.
"Ironists" have performed atop Mount Kilimanjaro, 100 meters underwater off the Egyptian coast, during the London marathon, and in a David-Blaine-style box 20 meters above Christmas shoppers in Leicester. And like any noble calling, this one has inspired others, including downhill vacuuming, inner-city clothes drying, and "apocalypse dishwashing." Helen Keller wrote, "Life is either a great adventure or nothing."
|W|P|111066522844564744|W|P|Extreme Ironing|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comIn September 2004, French police discovered a hidden chamber in the catacombs under Paris. It contained a full-sized movie screen, projection equipment, a bar, a pressure cooker for making couscous, a professionally installed electricity system, and at least three phone lines. Movies ranged from 1950s noir classics to recent thrillers.
When the police returned three days later, the phone and power lines had been cut and there was a note on the floor: "Do not try to find us."
|W|P|111066543129605062|W|P|Underground Cinema|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comIf you have a catchy tune stuck in your head, the Maimograph Machine will replace it with an even catchier one.
|W|P|111066513602064353|W|P|Maim That Tune|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comSome writers seem to crave anonymity. None more so than the author of the Voynich manuscript, who invented a mysterious language and an unknown alphabet that has been defying scholars for 500 years.
To judge from the illustrations, the text deals with astronomy, biology, cosmology, herbs, and recipes. Handwriting experts say that the glyphs were written with speed and care, as if the author were facile with them. Statistical analysis seems to show that it's a natural language, but the vocabulary is unusually small, and in some ways it seems to resemble Arabic more than European languages.
Because no one knows precisely what the 240-page book is, it's hard to guess who wrote it. Suspects include a who's who of Europe in the Middle Ages, Roger Bacon and John Dee among them. The cipher has resisted even the National Security Agency, leading some to think it's a hoax, but even that is hard to prove conclusively.
There's a great irony at the bottom of this. The mysterious author was one of the most successful cryptologists in history -- so successful, in fact, that we may never know who he was.
|W|P|111050186903457659|W|P|Voynich Manuscript|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known." -- Walt Disney
|W|P|111072254816404334|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comPartial contents of the Crypt of Civilization, a time capsule to be opened on May 28, 8113 A.D.:
These things were sealed away in 1940, and already they're almost unrecognizable.
|W|P|111031795286514392|W|P|Crypt of Civilization|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe biggest trouble with diabolical schemes is the quality control.
Case in point: Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels once actually put together his own big band, plotting to use "degenerate" swing music to hypnotize decadent Americans.
"Charlie and His Orchestra" were broadcast to the United States, Canada and England, playing popular tunes like "I Got Rhythm," "Stardust," and "The Sheik Of Araby."
About halfway through each song, when he had the audience's attention, "Charlie" (Karl Schwendler) would leave off singing and launch into a Nazi tirade about war, privation, death, pain, and the master race. Unfortunately, Schwendler's snarling is not on a par with his bandleading, so he comes off sounding like Colonel Klink in fourth grade:
Thanks for the memories/It gives us strength to fight/For freedom and for right/It might give you a headache, England/That the Germans know how to fight/And hurt you so much ...
It's said that the act picked up its own following in Germany after the war. The band is actually not bad, but whoever wrote the propaganda probably raised American morale.
|W|P|111054550458573707|W|P|Big-Band Propaganda|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comGreat fortunes are never won honestly. The Clan McDuck traces the lineage of Scrooge McDuck back to 122 A.D., and it's like Macbeth with feathers. Sir Sly MacDuich spied for Malcolm II in 1018, and Sir Quackly McDuck was hoarding treasure in Scotland as early as 1057. We need a good muckraking biographer.
|W|P|111057008170078430|W|P|A Quack on the Escutcheon|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comDon't laugh, you don't have to mow it.
Baldwin Street, in Dunedin, New Zealand, is thought to be the steepest public street in the world. It has a grade of 38 percent; San Francisco's steepest are 31.5 percent.
There's a sign warning motorists not to attempt it, but that hasn't discouraged runners, who gather each summer for the "Baldwin Street Gutbuster." In the first event, serious runners climb to the top, then, even harder, try to get down again. In the second, skaters, skateboarders, and pram-pushers try to cover the same 400-meter circuit. One guy actually succeeded on a unicycle.
There's also a charity event each July in which contestants roll candies down the hill. No injuries have been reported.
|W|P|111054502236904382|W|P|Easy Street|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comExcerpt from The Eye of Argon, a famously bad fantasy novella written by Jim Theis in 1970:
Utilizing the silence and stealth aquired in the untamed climbs of his childhood, Grignr slink through twisting corridors, and winding stairways, lighting his way with the confisticated torch of his dispatched guardian. Knowing where his steps were leading to, Grignr meandered aimlessly in search of an exit from the chateau's dim confines. The wild blood coarsing through his veins yearned for the undefiled freedom of the livid wilderness lands.
At science fiction conventions, fans try to read it aloud with a straight face. The "grandmaster challenge" is to read it with a squeaky voice after inhaling helium.
|W|P|111054405085007842|W|P|"I Find You to Be the Only Fool!"|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den," a poem by Zhao Yuanren, in English:
In a stone den was a poet Shi Shi, who loved to eat lions, and decided to eat ten.
He often went to the market to look for lions.
One day at ten o'clock, ten lions just arrived at the market.
At that time, Shi Shi just arrived at the market too.
Seeing those ten lions, he killed them with arrows.
He brought the corpses of the ten lions to the stone den.
The stone den was damp. He asked his servants to wipe it.
After the stone den was wiped, he tried to eat those ten lions.
When he ate, he realized that those ten lions were in fact ten stone lion corpses.
Try to explain this.
... and in Hanyu Pinyin:
Sh�sh� shish� Shi Sh�, sh� shi, sh� sh� sh� shi.|W|P|111054342444102425|W|P|Rubber-Stamp Poetry|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com
Sh� sh�sh� sh� sh� sh� shi.
Sh� sh�, sh� sh� shi sh� sh�.
Sh� sh�, sh� Shi Sh� sh� sh�.
Sh� sh� sh� sh� shi, sh� sh� sh�, shi sh� sh� shi sh�sh�.
Sh� sh� sh� sh� shi shi, sh� sh�sh�.
Sh�sh� shi, Sh� shi sh� sh� sh�sh�.
Sh�sh� sh�, Sh� shi sh� sh� sh� sh� shi.
Sh� sh�, shi sh� sh� sh� shi, sh� sh� sh� shi shi.
Sh� sh� sh� sh�.
Goya's La Maja Desnuda and La Maja Vestida. In 19th-century Europe, it was common to have two paintings of the same subject, swapping them out depending on who'd be visiting. Still, the Inquisition confiscated both of these as obscene.
|W|P|111041854181591402|W|P|Nude, Descending|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comWhen you're a traveling pig, you need a good phrasebook. Estonian pigs go rui, French groin, Polish chrum, and Czech, improbably, chro. English pigs have been oinking only since 1940. And in Rome, presumably, they speak Pig Latin.
|W|P|111050380114679800|W|P|Globetrotters|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"History is more or less bunk." -- Henry Ford
|W|P|111004223246899275|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comWhat's cool about it, apart from being worth 100 sweet, globe-despoiling American dollars? Its serial number is 51682345. And, according to Cool Numbers:
51682345 has all of those features, giving this Benjamin a Universal Coolness Index of 96.0 percent, which qualifies it for the "very cool" gallery, but not the hall of fame. (The coolest bill ever submitted, predictably, is 01234567, almost literally a one-in-a-million find.)
That's why it's cool.
If four-digit numbers are more your speed, a Stetson University math professor is making a list of what's cool about each of those.
|W|P|111031220842560775|W|P|The Currency Outlook|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comWhose resume is this?
Answer: Mr. Potato Head.
|W|P|111025374715913749|W|P||W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comHULK'S DIARY THAT IS ON THE INTERNET reveals a softer side of the chartreuse powerhouse:
OK, so Hulk looks at all of his Bachman Turner Overdrive, ELO, and Chicago CDs and thinks Hulk will get rid of them because they are taking up a lot of space and Hulk never listens to them anymore now that Hulk has the new CD from Kenny Loggins (who needs to make another song as good as "Footloose," Hulk tells you what!)
He's an early adopter, too -- the archives go back to 2001.
|W|P|111021650218371343|W|P|Hulk Smash!|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe Collective Unconsciousness Project is a tool for exploring dreams. The Flash-based interface presents a user's description of a recent dream, with a list of related keywords. You can use the keywords to navigate to a related dream, but I find it's more interesting just to hit the right arrow and let the system surf along random tangents through the database.
You can register to create a log of your own dreams, which I suppose could be pretty useful if you're in analysis, but it's more revealing to wander through others'.
The site's designers are a little cagey about how the thing really works, but that's probably appropriate. What strikes me is how familiar the dreams seem -- not the content itself, exactly, but the weird non-sequiturs and mysterious relationships. It's odd that an experience so strange and personal can still seem universal.
|W|P|111012478769740509|W|P|"My Jeep Disappears and Becomes These Shoes"|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comUnrhymable English words: chimney, depth, month, orange, pint, purple, silver.
|W|P|110961304980020020|W|P|Door Hinge|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form has more than 3,000 definitions presented as limericks:
carboxypeptidase
In your mouth goes a protein intact,
Linked by peptide bonds, matter of fact!
N-type -ases undo
(From the N-side) the glue,
Yielding bits for your gut to extract.
And yet there's no entry for dog.
|W|P|110973084344153774|W|P|A Lexicographer From Nantucket|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comSquashed Philosophers is like Reader's Digest with a Ph.D. Glyn Hughes takes the high-calorie tomes of 41 world-class thinkers, from Plato to Popper, and squeezes them into tasty little capsules, without losing the flavor of the originals.
Ren� Descartes' Meditations on First Philosophy, for instance, fits into 6,488 words -- or even, in the "very squashed" version, into six simple assertions -- but they're all stated in the author's own words, and nothing essential seems to have been lost.
That's a tribute to Hughes' editing skill, but it's also a pretty scary commentary on the original works. Kant is notoriously unreadable in the original, but Hughes estimates that his 5,700-word condensation of the Critiques of Pure & Practical Reason can be read and understood in 23 minutes. If that's true -- if that's even close to true -- then I don't see how Kant's original can be called a great book.
|W|P|110963460390047499|W|P|I Think ...|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comImaginary pictures "cataloged" in Thomas Browne's Musaeum Clausum of 1684:
Borges wrote, "To write vast books is a laborious nonsense, much better is to offer a summary as if those books actually existed."
|W|P|110985342568059160|W|P|Musaeum Clausum|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." -- Cary Grant
|W|P|111004534044315814|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com"A map of the world that does not include Utopia is not worth even glancing at," wrote Oscar Wilde, "for it leaves out the one country at which Humanity is always landing." Buckminster Fuller's Dymaxion map avoids the weird provincialism of other global projections -- it does a good job showing the relative sizes of the continents, and there's no "right side up." Makes sense.
|W|P|111006352729221143|W|P|A World of Good|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comIn Search of the World's Worst Writers is, well, self-explanatory. Excerpts:
"There are those who think that John Wesley only founded Methodism as a way of saying 'sorry' for his father's poetry."
|W|P|110936345669876370|W|P|"On The Bear-Fac'd Lady"|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comPrognosticate is an ingenious current events quiz that draws live data from CNN. Pick a topic and the system will display a news story, omitting 20 random words. Supply the missing words to gain points.
If the "hard" game is too difficult, you can opt for "easy" mode, in which the missing words are displayed in a combo box.
|W|P|110972613455237795|W|P|All the News That's Fit to Type|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThose are bison skulls, in the 1870s, waiting to be ground into fertilizer. Before Columbus there were 60 million bison in North America; by 1890 there were 750. They were holding up our railroads. Now they're back up to 350,000, but 70 percent of those are being raised for human consumption.
|W|P|110990004335520347|W|P|Where the Buffalo Roam|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comIParkLikeAnIdiot.com is a showcase of motoring ineptitude.
|W|P|110985567707113066|W|P|R Is for Reverse|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comFrom press reviews of the Cherry Sisters, "the world's worst act," a vaudeville quintet who toured the U.S. and Canada in the 1890s:
The sisters toured for seven years, though, and probably saved their impresario from bankruptcy, so perhaps they had the last laugh.
|W|P|110962714212102754|W|P|"A Volley of Turnips"|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comZonicweb ranks the worst album covers of all time.
|W|P|110972610422534655|W|P|Album Schlock|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comDutch tongue twisters:
De koetsier poetst de postkoets met postkoetspoets.
The coachman cleans the stagecoach with stagecoach cleaner.
De kat krabt de krullen van de trap met drie droge doeken.
The cat scratches the woodcurls of the stairs with three dry cloths.
De knappe kapper kapt knap, maar de knappe knecht van de knappe kapper kapt knapper dan de knappe kapper kappen kan.
The clever barber cuts hair well, but the clever helper of the clever barber cuts hair more cleverly than the clever barber can cut it.
De meid snijdt recht, en de knecht snijdt scheef.
The maid cuts straight, and the servant cuts crooked.
Liesje leerde lotje lopen langs de lange lindenlaan.
Liesje taught Lotje how to walk along the long tree lane.
"Rock 'n' roll is phony and false, and sung, written, and played for the most part by cretinous goons." -- Frank Sinatra, 1957
|W|P|110823061651159280|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe Eiffel Tower has been getting some alarming press lately: Its nighttime image has been copyrighted, and Islamists admitted they'd planned an attack on the Paris landmark in 2002. But these still can't compete with the most outrageous episode in the tower's history, when a Bohemian con man sold the whole thing for scrap -- twice.
The tower was built for the Paris Exhibition of 1889, and by 1925 its upkeep was becoming a burden. So Victor Lustig posed as a government official and summoned six scrap dealers to a secret meeting, where he told them the city wanted to dismantle it. He led a convincing tour of the site, and even induced one eager dealer to "bribe" him for the job.
Lustig fled to Vienna with the cash, and the embarrassed scrap dealer never called the cops. So the con man came back six months later and ran the same scam again, with six new dealers. This time the suspicious mark went to the police, but Lustig still escaped.
An even more successful salesman was at work elsewhere in the early 1920s: Arthur Ferguson sold Nelson's Column, Big Ben, and Buckingham Palace, then sailed to America and marketed the White House and the Statue of Liberty. Sometimes the best salesmen are the most audacious ones.
|W|P|110973183587598344|W|P|Brooklyn Bridge East|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe word ghoti can be pronounced "fish":
If that's true, and if
Then it should be possible to spell "potato" ghoughphtheightteeau.
Let's call the whole thing off.
|W|P|110961335202742233|W|P|Menu Trouble|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe Museum of Bad Art is like the Louvre, only suckier.
|W|P|110969858933387221|W|P|A Muse With Rabies|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comThe John Leech sketch archives collect the celebrated artist's cartoons for Punch between 1841 and 1864.
|W|P|110969930785330267|W|P|"Exit Jane in Dismay"|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.comObscure light-bulb jokes:
Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Welsh mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Don't worry dearie, I'll just sit here in the dark, alone."
Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you mean, "change"!?
Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many postmodernists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: In a Derridaist reading, wherein light is a social construct, there is a dialectic between Darkness as a reality and reality as a mode.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."Charles H. Duell, commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
|W|P|110823087105245831|W|P|Unquote|W|P|greg.ross@gmail.com